Your story has raised lots of questions in my mind. Depression can make one feel elated, but it can also present a false reality. I sometimes look at things that I had written when I was feeling low. I thought at the time of writing that they made complete sense. However, upon reacquaintance, they are entirely incoherent.
Many colleagues have told me that I should take more risks. However, I feel that they are offering this advice with no understanding of my life’s reality. Jump, but there is no safety net if you miscalculate. I will be the one left to pick up the pieces and then where is their empathy. As always pick yourself up, be a man, you can overcome this etc.