I concur with your sentiments. It saddens me to see the number of prominent right-wing gays in the United Kingdom. They are some of the most vocal anti-immigrant and racists. White supremacy indeed, many never lifted a finger to help the cause. It confirms my belief in their ideals of white beauty and supremacy.

It is difficult to find a black gay boyfriend in the U.K., even in London. There are several reasons for this. The black community is generally very homophobic, especially the Caribbean and African communities.

The ultimate aim of significant numbers of black gays is to have a white boyfriend, which one can argue stems from absorbing the negative images of blacks perpetrated by whites. Also, for some this is a safer option. The assumption might be that whites are more accepting of gays.

The homophobia in the black community makes it extremely difficult for black gays to come out without the fear of alienation and abuse. Many black gays identify themselves as bi-sexual because it helps them stay within the black community. I would love to have a relationship with a black guy, but that would most likely mean going back into the closet.

I myself do not subscribe to the idea that whites are more tolerant of gays. There are other factors at play, such as economic currency. Blacks are more likely to be economically disadvantaged. White gays with greater access to income are more likely to acquire more financial freedom and security.

Where does one start? It is, as you said, a minefield dating white gays. Behaviours I have experienced, you must conform to the stereotypical, assertive, dominant man with no emotional needs: white bottom looking for dominant black tops. To them, you are just an objectified entity. After the act, you have to leave, preferably discretely. In my early days on the scene, some would even ask you to leave the bar before them because they did not want others to see them leaving with a black man.

You are correct in your assessments about the prospects of relationships; forget it. Even when involved in relationships, they made you feel that you are subservient to their needs.

I have had some beautiful relationships with white guys, but it is difficult for them to understand and process what it is like to be a black man in the country that founded the concept of white supremacy. I used to come home and tell them about my experiences at work or in society in general, and they would make me question those experiences. It was always me being overly sensitive, or I misinterpreted others intentions or actions.

Most of my relationships have been with people from outside the United Kingdom who don’t know much about the culture. They find it difficult to understand the level of racism in the U.K.

Saddest of all, you have the so-called black allies, who every month you would see with a new black guy. It is a case of passing the parcel to them. The exploitation by them of others who are vulnerable. Even more distressing was the number of black gays who would demean themselves to these white guys.

The most painful experiences are white gay colleagues pretending to be friendly, but they pretend that they don’t know you when you meet them outside. I am not sure what they are afraid of?

We left the black culture behind, seeking sanctuary on the gay scene. What we found was more abuse and alienation. One can argue that this is no solely the responsibility of the white man to solve. We have also got to hold the black community accountable. Young black gays are being thrown onto the street because they have no one to turn too. They cannot turn to the black community or the gay community.


Interested in people, nature, science and technology, and history. MSc in Research Methods (Birkbeck), MA Industrial Design (UAL)

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Interested in people, nature, science and technology, and history. MSc in Research Methods (Birkbeck), MA Industrial Design (UAL)