Finding Myself: No longer Elevating Men to the Status of Gods and Angels.
I used to view the eye as the mirror to my soul. I saw the eye as the portal through which others saw, and I communicated my emotions. I was afraid of making eye contact for fear that this would reveal my true desires and intentions.
Alas, in seeing myself as unworthy of the attention of others, I cowered. I adapted my behaviour to what I perceive their response would be: and in doing so, I projected the self unto the others. (In the act of human interactions: I silently ask myself, “Am I worthy of my and their desires”, “Am I deserving of the objects of my afflictions?”).
To place the objects of my gaze further out of reach, I elevate men to the status of Gods and Angels. In doing so, I called into being the distance between the stars. Thus, with every second, the chasm between me and the other increased faster than the cosmic expansion, and so I doomed myself to perpetual remain hidden in the dark.
I used to equate the objects of my desires as the key to my salvation. I saw them as possessing what I most seek: love: to give, and experience longing from another: this, alas, be my heart’s swan song.
It is thus a strange paradox, how can I convey love to others if I do not love myself?. While communing with others, their body language becomes invisible. All I hear are the hollow echoes of my fears. I lose my voice, I become dumb, a reaction that stems from my preemption of rejection. Paradoxically, this behaviour brings about the very thing I most fear and leaves me reeling in despair.
I transpose my anticipation of rejection to my body and verbal communication. Thus, my anxiety informs my body language, which subsequently reciprocally increases my anguish. My expectations are the diatropic light through which I view others.
I should know the importance of body language: my first experience of freedom was as a child dancing in the dusty soil, in front of the rum shop in the village of Gros-Islet. Without thinking, my body instantly responded to the music. However, when I heard the applause, I froze; this was my first awareness of the self residing in others — the mirror’s reflections.